I might have said this a few times before, but I do believe that this time I’ve really come to a new season, and not just in this blog, but in my life as a whole — a season where I can finally get down to do serious works for God, especially as a blogger. I’ve spent the past three weeks making the changes that will take this blog to its new direction, and soon I was all set to begin writing in this fresh context.
However, last Sunday a brother in the Lord said something that made me forget my convictions for a while, and I seriously wanted to look back into the recent past — the past that I’ve only just left behind. Yes, it was only an innocuous remark; no harm was intended. Still, the seed was planted, and it speedily grew into a selfish desire for justice: I wanted to write something and defend myself against the many judgments that were thrown at me these past couple of years.
But while I was praying about it, I realized that I cannot do something like that. After all, everything has been like a trial, especially my works on this blog, and I stand as the accused. Because of the nature of the “crimes” I supposedly committed — doing my own will and following my own desires, and not the Lord’s — only God can defend me in this situation, and only he can vindicate me.
Besides, my wounds are barely healed, and my emotions weary — I need peace and quite now, not more conflicts. Therefore, in spite of my desire for justice, I really don’t want to go poking at people’s hearts, much less at my own. That will be unwise, and it will only result in (even more) bitterness, and not forgiveness.
Yes, as the Bible says, “If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men. Don’t seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God’s wrath. For it is written, ‘Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord’” (Romans 12:18-19 WEB).
What I need to do, what I want to do, is to put the past couple of years behind me, and completely — and then to throw myself into this new season of my life. I just don’t want to talk anymore about the things that happened, and I simply want the days and months to pass by, and so bury these memories in the ground.
But before I can truly move on… before I can look forward to and work for tomorrow… I also need some closure. In my heart. And in my mind. That is, I still need to do something, and with finality.
Then it came to me: If this has been like a trial, then there is one thing I can do after all, and that is, to tell my side of the story. To tell what has really happened in my life, and from the point of view of the one who is living it. Me.
And so, yes, I will tell my side of the story. And just my side of the story. Just the way I saw and understand things. And then I will leave to God the rest.
Note: This is a multipart essay, and this is Part One. I will post the other parts as I finish writing them. However, because this is a closure, I won’t dwell much on the things I want to say. Clarity and sufficient brevity are what I’m striving for.
(to be continued)
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